Dear Boss:

It's nearing the end of the year, and we'll soon be conducting my annual performance review. I must say it's been a dreadful year.

I've lost customers, missed my revenue targets and have had to lay off 30 percent of my department. Things are a mess around here, and I know the whole company has lost a ton of money this year. But I'm looking forward to my bonus.

Yes, I did say bonus. I've read that the Wall Street banks have set aside almost $20 billion for bonuses this year, despite the most awful performance imaginable. They had to be bailed out by the government after destroying several hundred billion dollars of investors' wealth, and their actions contributed to the global financial chaos. Sure I had a really lousy year as did our company, but I didn't screw up as badly as Wall Street did. So I think I deserve a bonus.

That news about the banks expecting to pay out those huge annual bonuses to people who have run their companies into the ground was a revelation for me. I used to be so naïve and thought that a bonus was something earned by someone as a result of excellent performance -- a reward for accomplishments. What was I thinking?

Besides, to borrow a phrase from those Wall Street executives, "It wasn't my fault." I love that phrase and used it all the time as a kid to avoid accountability, but I think it's appropriate even now. Wall Street blames "economic headwinds" and "perfect storms" and lots of other things supposedly beyond their control.

So if this economic crisis wasn't their fault, it seems reasonable to continue their year-end bonuses. And that logic works for me. You see boss, all my missed deadlines, the customer complaints, the budget overruns, the high absenteeism on the part of my employees -- it wasn't my fault. I had some crazy headwinds and perfect storms of my own that affected my and my department's performance.

Boss, I think those Wall Street wizards are on to something here. The Phillies won the World Series earlier this week, and they will get very handsome bonuses for winning. But shouldn't the last place Seattle Mariners -- who lost almost twice as many games as they won -- also get big bonuses?

That's right. Perhaps it wasn't their fault they stunk up the league with their poor performance. I'm sure there are headwinds and perfect storms in baseball, and it wouldn't be fair to penalize them for something out of their control. Besides, I'm sure that like on Wall Street, they worked hard.

Boss, now I realize that "pay for performance" doesn't necessarily mean pay for excellent performance. It could mean pay for mediocre performance, or in my case, for wretched performance. Why didn't I catch that nuance before?

And since rewards apparently have no connection with results, I suppose we'll have to reward both candidates on Nov. 4 regardless of their results. My failure bonus -- awesome. Two presidents -- priceless.

Opinions expressed solely are those of the writer. Mike Hoban, of Crown Point, is a senior consultant for an international leadership development and training firm. Send mail to him c/o The Times, or e-mail him at business-at-large@sbcglobal.net.