If ever there was a mantra to make it through a pet's fatal illness, it would be, "It's not all about me."

Doug Koktavy came to this realization after his dog Beezer was given 90 days to live. The gut–wrenching experience of losing his black Labrador retriever to kidney disease led Koktavy to a counterintuitive perspective.

The Denver resident went through the bargaining stage–one of the five in the Kübler–Ross Grief Cycle that includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Koktavy began to create formulas to outsource the decision–making process. "Instead of me going inside my heart I'd look at the formula," he said. "I was playing a little game with myself, not being very truthful with myself because the only one suffering was me."

He spent hours searching for online answers, a handful of which led him to feeling guilty for not taking action earlier. "Guilt's a big emotion. Fear was also a big emotion with me," Koktavy said. "Guilt is the perfect storm–no matter what we do or don't do, it's absolutely the wrong thing."

Koktavy learned how to give Beezer sub–Q fluids several times a week to prevent dehydration, a common side effect of kidney disease. With Beezer a willing participant, the procedure turned into more of a special one–on–one bonding experience, with Koktavy taking his cue from his dog, who seemed to almost look forward to it. Somewhere in the midst of these moments, he realized it was his own suffering he couldn't take–not his dog's.

A self–employed attorney whose success is based on logic and control, Koktavy came to grips with his dog's impending death through an atypical process. He contacted two animal communicators whose recommendations were for him to open up to the idea of listening to Beezer. "She (one of the animal communicators) said he (Beezer) told her that I should live in the present–if I could do that I wouldn't have fear about his dying–or about anything," he explained. "I wouldn't have guilt."

Dogs, the communicators told Koktavy, see death as a natural process. The first truths he learned were lessons for living in the moment: 1. Living in fear is to live in the future. 2. Living with guilt is to live in the past. 3. To live in fear or guilt means missing out on the gift of today. Making sure the canine patient got enough nutrients was a daily challenge.

Koktavy worked out a few methods like using baby food to get pills down his throat, and fed Beezer smaller and more frequent meals. Successes came intermittently, made possible by having fresh vegetables, chicken, baby food, egg whites, and mountains of chipped ice on hand. Beezer's 90–day death sentence was off by more than a year. His diagnosis of the form of kidney disease known as glomerulonephritis came in August, 2003. A few months later he was given just 90 days to live. Koktavy said goodbye to Beezer May 1, 2005. Not long afterward Boomer, Beezer's brother, was diagnosed with bone cancer.

The first Koktavy did was to promise Boomer he would act in accordance with the love and respect his dog deserved. He'd watch for a sign from Boomer that would tell him he was no longer having fun. "Be with your pet. Trust your pet to tell you when the time is right," Koktavy said. "Ultimately what you need to do is trust your inner strength because you have more than you realize. The difficult thing to do is trust in that bond to the exclusion of all else."

Although Koktavy had the financial resources to provide his dogs with massage therapy, chemo and special diets, he asserts it is not about the money. Many of the choices he made where Beezer was concerned were driven by guilt and fear. He knows now it did very little to slow the disease. "In the end, it's about one more walk, one more gentle caress, or even one more silly moment that only the two of you understand," he said. "Those are the memories you carry and they are free."

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Doug Koktavy is a Certified Counselor, Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, a moderator of the K9 Kidney Diet Yahoo Group and the Pet Grief Yahoo Group, and a member of the Bone Cancer Dogs Yahoo Group. He is on the Board of Directors of Bone Cancer Dogs, Inc., a New Jersey nonprofit corporation, and volunteers with Safe Harbor Labrador Retriever Rescue. Koktavy has created a website, www.beezerandboomer.com to help others deal with the dying of a pet.