WASHINGTON TOWNSHIP | Climate scientists announced they have proof of something that, until now, has only been a theory: Global warming is caused by the Porter County Fair.
The 163rd and greatest ever version of the fair opens today, and I'm booking a seat for as many of the shows and exhibits as I can. Nobody knows better than I do that, while country music provides the soundtrack for the fair, the real theme every year is "We're Havin' a Heat Wave."
The evidence of the fair's role in global warming finally became overwhelming this year when the weather for the first few weeks of summer was warm but certainly not uncomfortably so, with the exception of a few days of high humidity.
As the forecasts for the next 10 days were being calculated, weatherologists, using the latest in high tech weather dart boards, stated it can't be coincidence that the temperatures soar to Venusian levels during the weeks the fair is scheduled each year.
Working tirelessly with the help of serious government funding and without bathroom breaks, the scientists from the Center for Nothing Better to Do are now trying to pinpoint why the fair has such a massive impact on the world's weather.
The usual suspect was, of course, bovine methane emissions — cow flatulence. This has long been cited as a contributing factor to the global warming phenomenon, and the fair has a large number of healthy, hay-eating bovines along with many other animals.
Horses are another large animal capable of generating copious clouds of gas. Of course, whenever a horse has such an emission, they always act like it's the cows that did it. (A few of them have been known to coax a fair visitor to "pull my hoof.") And you're not going to convince me the llamas are totally innocent in this regard.
My theory is the heat is generated by the plethora of totally smokin' hot entertainment the fair manages to sign each year. This year's lineup could be one of the hottest ever starting tonight with the sold-out Hunter Hayes show.
I have no idea who Hunter Hayes is, but country music fans of the feminine gland assure me he makes lava look like ice water by comparison. I don't think Friday's appearance by Willie and Korie Robertson from the "Duck Dynasty" show is classified as hot, at least in the physical appearance category, but the show allegedly is hot. I would rather lick the steamy pavement than watch either show.
Despite that, I'm looking forward to fun, food and fabulousness at the fairgrounds and to doing another series of Phil at the Phair columns. I'll be the guy in the John Deere hat and the blissful grin on my face.
The opinions are those of the writer. He can be reached looking for the solar powered air conditioners booth at firstname.lastname@example.org or (219) 548-4352.