PHIL WIELAND: Big wind brings blowhard Wielando's annual visit

2012-12-28T00:00:00Z 2013-11-22T17:28:08Z PHIL WIELAND: Big wind brings blowhard Wielando's annual visitBy Phil Wieland Times Columnist
December 28, 2012 12:00 am  • 

It's an ill wind that blows no good, and this week's storm blew in the no-goodest prognosticator of them all: The Amazing Wielando.

After sequestering himself in a cave on a deserted island for a year to avoid the destruction of his last good brain cells by presidential political ads, Wielando is back to make his traditional visit to the region to forecast our fate and pick up a few fast bucks doing face painting and brises at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.

As always, his amazing record for accuracy will be available for future historians. All of this year's predictions will be transcribed on filo pastry in indelible icing and carefully preserved in a baklava duct-taped to the underside of the Cline Avenue overpass.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together while holding tightly to your wallets for the sagiest of the seers, the paradigm of prognosticators, the Amazing Wielando.

"May the desert winds always blow up your burqa. I predict NASA will discover that, when the Curiosity science vehicle landed on Mars, it killed a Martian cat.

"I predict Valparaiso Mayor Jon Costas will have a roundabout installed in his office.

"I predict Mitch Daniels will start his tenure as Purdue University president by leasing the football team to Kansas City to replace the Chiefs and the basketball team to Cleveland to replace the Cavaliers.

"I predict the recent appointment of the first woman to the Indiana Supreme Court and the popularity of women as lieutenant governor candidates will prompt Governor-elect Mike Pence to change his name to Michelle and begin wearing dresses prior to his re-election bid.

"I predict the FBI, in a surprise move, will investigate the office of Lake County Commissioner Jerry Scheub to see if they can find out what happened to his missing hair and the possible connection to former Commissioner Rudy Clay's sideburns.

"I predict the Orville Redenbacher statue in Valparaiso's Central Park Plaza will become so popular that the statue will use its Twitter account to announce its candidacy for mayor. I predict the statue will end up serving 14 consecutive terms before retiring to run for governor.

"And I predict the end of funding for most public transit in Lake County will create a crisis for thousands of invisible people, who will no longer have transportation to work at haunted houses, government jobs and East Chicago Republican meetings. Most will move to Valparaiso, which will have to get bigger buses to carry all the invisible people."

The Amazing Wielando has disappeared, gone with the wind.

The opinions are those of the writer. He can be reached at phil.wieland.nwi-com or (219) 548-4352.

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