PHIL WIELAND: Get ready for some more Amazing predictions

The new year dawned full of promise and hope and other delusions, which means it's time again for the soothiest of soothsayers, the man who puts the "dam" in Nostradamus, the Amazing Wielando.

He spent the past year in a deep stupor — er, meditation — induced by watching the 512 Republican presidential candidate debates and succeeded in transcending time and space to a degree never achieved by any living man, although some question his claim to "living."

Wielando will present his astounding predictions of what lies ahead, with the emphasis on lies. To determine the accuracy of his peerless prognosticating, today's predictions will be carefully preserved in an airtight Wet Wipes dispenser and injected into the ground by a fracking firm.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands and lives together for the maestro of mysticism, the Amazing Wielando!

"Just keep my getaway ca — I mean, limo — gassed and ready to go. I predict the Indiana Legislature will continue its staunch defense of people's rights by refusing to pass a statewide smoking ban and by approving a bill to allow weapons to be taken to nursery schools and day care centers by the kids.

"I predict convicted former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will put his jail cell position up for sale to the highest bidder, saying, 'It's golden.' Lake County office hopper Tom Philpot will put in a bid.

"I predict Valparaiso, after amending its ethics ordinance to make any department potentially exempt from the nepotism rules, will decide to make further changes to exempt anyone who is generally considered to be 'a really nice person.'

"I predict Indiana's right-to-work law will have to be amended to exempt the Legislature when thousands of people try to apply for House and Senate seats, saying they would be willing to do just as bad a job for less money.

"I predict the Indiana Supreme Court ruling saying people can't prevent police from entering their homes will be extended to allow police to also confiscate any breakfast pastry discovered during their investigation.

"I predict the proposal to build a Cline Avenue toll bridge will be abandoned when it's realized the bridge doesn't go anywhere someone would actually pay to even drive past.

"I predict that now that former Gary Mayor Rudy Clay is retired, he will donate his sideburns to the Smithsonian. Then he and retiring Lake County Commissioner Fran DuPey will get together and tour as the incarnation of Wayland Flowers and Madame.

"Finally, I predict plans for the Illiana Expressway will suffer a serious setback when it is discovered that all 27 routes proposed by the consultants come within 50 miles of someone's house or business or park or something; it doesn't really matter what."

The Amazing Wielando has left the building. Rapidly.

The opinions are those of the writer. He can be reached at phil.wieland@nwi.com or (219) 548-4352.