PHIL WIELAND: Some other non-threats Steele can protect us from

2013-02-22T00:00:00Z PHIL WIELAND: Some other non-threats Steele can protect us from
February 22, 2013 12:00 am

After last week's column, a reader wrote that I was a little harsh on State Sen. Brent Steele, especially my saying he had the best porn film name in the Indiana Legislature.

The reader also said calling Steele mentally challenged because he wants to amend the state Constitution to protect our rights to "hunt, fish, harvest game and engage in the agricultural or commercial production of meat, fish, poultry and dairy products" was a little unfair. I agree. It was an insult to those who actually are mentally challenged.

Just because he wants to protect all Hoosiers from a threat that exists only in his mind doesn't mean Steele's intentions aren't good. Insanely paranoid, maybe, but good. With the column coming right at the peak of International Random Acts of Kindness Week, it certainly violated the spirit of the day.

So, I'd like to make it up to Sen. Steele with a belated random act of kindness. When asked, Steele said he didn't know of any other imaginary threats the Legislature might have to protect Hoosiers from in the future. Well, what about an amendment to:

  • Prevent anyone from having to adopt the "gay agenda" of becoming gay, entering into a gay relationship or marriage or wearing rainbow colored clothing while while listening to Judy Garland records.
  • Guarantee our right to buy soft drinks in any size we like, whether it's 32 oz., 64 oz. or the metric ton, and to guarantee our right to use abbreviations like "oz" for ounces, "lbs" for pounds and "dwt" for pennyweight without knowing why or what the heck a pennyweight is.
  • Prohibit elephants from using public restrooms, public transit or public restrooms on public transit. Also, apes should not be given the right to vote.
  • Protect a man's right to wear clothes with color and pattern combinations capable of causing seizures or night terrors in small children and possibly death in overly nervous, usually smaller, breeds of dogs.
  • Guarantee our right to put bacon on or in any food we or our pets ingest, even desserts, and some day to include it in sundries and pharmaceuticals. Two words: Bacon Viagra.
  • Make sure any legislation restricting the rights of illegal immigrants also extend the same restrictions to illegal extraterrestrial immigrants.
  • Guarantee our right to honor the Lord at Christmas with a lighting display visible from Neptune, possibly containing bacon.
  • Honor Steele for his determined efforts to guarantee the preservation of all the rights no one is threatening to take away by naming him the state mollusk.

I hope that helps foster a kinder, gentler discussion of the issues. And I still think he has the best porn name in the Legislature.

The opinions are those of the writer. He can be reached at or (219) 548-4352.

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