PHIL WIELAND: Trees might be weird, but they still need hugs

The state is looking for some trees, but it is not because, as one might suspect of our state government, they can't see the trees for the forest.

The tree seekers are in the Indiana Department of Natural Resources, which is more qualified than, say, a legislator to recognize a tree. A legislator would need a study committee to hold hearings before he or she could reach a decision, along party lines, whether it fell within the parameters of what could be defined as a tree.

Because the DNR knows what a tree is, it is looking for specific types of trees. Weird ones. The weirdest in the state will be included in its online publication of the 2012 "Invasion of the Weird Trees." (Not the swimsuit edition.) It sounds silly, but, admit it, it's probably more productive and useful than anything the Legislature will do.

This is a public participation project, which means if you are a member of the public, you can participate. If you aren't sure if you are a member of the public, any public, you probably should stay away from sharp objects and just concentrate on learning to feed and dress yourself.

If you know of a weird-looking tree somewhere in the state, the DNR wants you to send a picture of it by April 30. The weirdest tree in each county will be chosen for publication in the fall.

The entries will be screened carefully by "a team of highly trained and experienced DNR scientists." No mention is made of prizes for winning entries. That might send the state budget into a major debt spiral. A description of what might qualify as a weird tree can be found on the website. These include trees with:

• Embedded objects. Trees will envelop anything attached to or near them, such as nails, signs, wires or fence posts. They have been known to grow up around a fence, a machine or your typical inert legislator.

• Unusual branching. Several causes are listed for branches forming unusual patterns. Indians used to bend trees to mark trails. Some of these can still be found that actually spell out words like "Go that way" and "Go home, white-skinned devils."

• Multiple stems. The website says this can be caused by phototropism, the tendency for trees to want to pose for weird tree pictures. Apparently, they are attracted to the flash.

• Warts, bumps and burls. These trees tend to have a trunk only a mother tree could love, and some of those highly trained DNR scientists reportedly are working on a Proactiv formula to treat warts, bumps, burls — and ives.

• Crooked and misdirected trunks. These are trees currently under federal investigation and are found mostly in Lake County.

The opinions are those of the writer. He can be reached at phil.wieland@nwi.com or (219) 548-4352.