A traumatic brain injury leads to a second chance at parenting

When Joan Ryan received a call from the hospital telling her that her 16-year-old son had been injured in a skateboarding crash, she assumed it would mean a few stitches and a lot of wasted time in the emergency room. But Ryan arrived to find that her son, Ryan Tompkins - who wasn't wearing a helmet when skateboarding - was in a coma and close to death.

For the next few months as she watched him awaken from the coma and then struggle through a long and painful rehabilitation process, she thought about the past and her son's long struggles with academics and social situations, his double diagnosis of autism and attention deficit disorder and the guilt that she experienced in blaming herself as a mother. These feelings of inadequacy were coupled with her exasperation and impatience with his outbursts and lack of capabilities.

Tompkins' accident and recovery helped Ryan, who recounts this process in her book, "The Water Giver: The Story of a Mother, a Son and Their Second Chance" (Simon & Schuster 2009, $24), to rethink their relationship and to learn to let go of the illusion of control and to instead focus on loving and accepting him.

"I received the gift - at however high of a price - of getting to raise Ryan all over again," says Ryan, an author and columnist. "It was as if he went through all the stages of childhood during the course of those three months - learning to talk, to eat, to walk, to think, to use a toilet. And this time I was different kind of mother."

According to The Franklin Institute, every 15 seconds someone suffers a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and of the one million TBIs each year, 60,000 die and 80,000 become permanently disabled. It's a number that is higher than the combined incidence of Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease and multiple sclerosis.

"TBI has many reasons for onset," says Christine Priesol, licensed clinical social worker with a private practice in Munster. "It can be caused by a bullet wound, a tumor, a stroke, or extended lack of oxygen. Families need time to make sense out of the situation. Often, they are shuffled into a waiting room without any professional to talk with and come to grips with what lies ahead. Many times these patients with severe TBI come home with impaired cognitive functioning, loss of the use of arms and/or legs, speech and language deficits and emotional problems. When a TBI happens suddenly, such as in the case of a car crash, the family feels overwhelming grief and fear. What will their loved one's quality of life going to be? How will this change the family structure? The important thing is to establish communication with the doctors, the nurses and the hospital social worker. Communication is knowledge which can help to alleviate the family's distress."

Myrna Sarowitz, a professional life coach with a practice in Schererville, says that the most important thing for any family experiencing trauma, including that of TBIs, is to get as much help as they need.

"This can be from friends, from families, from support groups, whatever will help," she says. "This is a time to swallow your pride and admit you can't handle it alone. Many people find prayer and spirituality their greatest comfort. "

As for Ryan, she tells parents going through a similar ordeal to not look back.

"Deal with this hour, then deal with the next hour," she says. "Eventually you can deal with one day, then one week."