Newlywed Sex: For Those Who Haven't

2012-07-23T00:00:00Z 2012-07-23T15:45:05Z Newlywed Sex: For Those Who Haven'tBy Leah Travis, Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at New Leaf Resources

If you have been a couple for any length of time, but have chosen not to have sex until you are married (yes, there are still people who do this!), chances are thoughts about your “first time” together are filled with both anticipation and anxiety. Rest assured, this is completely normal, and it’s likely that your partner is having the same thoughts.

So how do you dispel the anxiety? Talk about it! Now! Yes, I said now! I’m not suggesting you need to design a play-by-play game plan, but the more you understand both sets of expectations, the better.

Are you planning to have sex on the wedding night, or waiting for some other time or place? Is he expecting her to have an orgasm from intercourse on the first try? Is she? Is she expecting him to take the lead? Is he? How do you imagine the experience going? What is “off limits”? Are there specific things you’re nervous about? Bring any questions you have to someone you trust.

Seriously, would you wait until after the wedding to talk about where you are going to live or whose couch is going where? Setting up a space together can be a lot of fun, but it can also be frustrating if you’re not on the same page, and sex is much the same way.

There are few faster ways of ruining a ‘mood’ than discovering that your assumptions don’t match, and the intimacy you develop as you learn to share those thoughts and concerns with each other builds a foundation for the physical act to rest on. Building that foundation as you go isn’t impossible, but it’s probably less comfortable than having a thick, cushy mattress of a foundation to start with.

One final thought to leave you with: a sense of humor goes a long way. One unfortunate side effect of all this talking is the potential for developing unrealistic expectations. While I do not recommend laughing at your partner, laughing with them as you learn new things about each other can help release some pressure in a way few other things can.

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