Father Knows Nothing

School's out for the summer (yikes).

2013-06-03T00:00:00Z 2013-06-06T21:14:10Z School's out for the summer (yikes).Rick Kaempfer nwitimes.com
June 03, 2013 12:00 am  • 

If you see me this week and I look a little twitchy, there’s a very good reason for that. School’s out for summer. That Alice Cooper song no longer brings me glee. Now it makes me nervous, because I know that “School’s Out” is a synonym for the following math equation:

(3b + 1d) /f = 24/7yikes

(Where b=boys, d=dog, f=father, and yikes=yikes)

My only hope of maintaining a somewhat sane life is to keep them as busy as possible. If I don’t, they’ll be waking up at noon, playing on the computer until all hours of the night, and slugging each other with reckless abandon. That may sound great to them, but coming off their disappointing school year, it hardly sounds fair to me.

My youngest son Sean will be scheduled to the gills with play-dates and camps. He’s 10. That’s easy enough.

It’s the other two that worry me. Our first option was to get them jobs. Both of them are clearly old enough to work, but the summer jobs that used to grow on trees for teenagers are no longer available. In this current tough economy those jobs are taken by actual responsible adults. With Option A out the window, we looked into Plan B: ship them off to military school. That sounded like a great idea until we looked into the cost. That’s not going to work out, Sir!

So, Bridget and I have decided to put them to work around the house instead, and make those jobs about as fun as military school.

We’re currently putting together a list. At the very least doing this work should help them gain respect for how hard people need to work to make a living. In our best case scenario , the tiring manual labor will cause them to rededicate themselves to their studies.( I know these boys—they ain’t made for manual labor.)

So far, our list includes…

*Painting the garage door

*Stripping, priming, and painting their rooms

*Digging out dead bushes/Planting new ones

*Daily Dog Walking & Poop Pickup

*Lawn Mowing/Edging/Weeding

*Window Cleaning & Wall Scrubbing

*Vacuuming/Mopping

Got any other ideas? We’re open to anything that is time consuming, physically tiring, and realistic for two boys with baby soft hands.

Oh, and for all of you reality television show producers out there, let’s talk. If you don’t see the comedy potential of this summer at the Kaempfer house, you shouldn’t be working in reality television.

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Rick Kaempfer's business card says author/writer/blogger, but his real job is "stay-at-home-dad."