The 2012 Anti-"Christmas Newsletter"

2013-01-07T07:30:00Z The 2012 Anti-"Christmas Newsletter"Rick Kaempfer nwitimes.com
January 07, 2013 7:30 am  • 

My family’s Christmas newsletter has been described by a few of my friends as the “anti-Christmas newsletter”, but I think that description is a bit strong. I consider it more of a “realistic” newsletter. If you weren’t on the list this year (remember—I have no idea who is on the list—that’s not my department), here it is…

We hope you had a wonderful 2012. As usual, we had an eventful year.

*In March Rick went to Arizona for spring training to see the Cubs. Good thing he did. It was the last game of the 2012 season before they were mathematically eliminated from the race.

*During spring break Rick tried to get Sean interested in classic literature, so he rented the film “Tom Sawyer”. Sean was so petrified by the Injun Joe murder scene, he now has to sleep with a light on in his room. Classic literature has not been reintroduced.

*In April Johnny and Sean had the most ironic argument in history. Sean said that Johnny was meaner than Tommy, and Johnny responded by saying he was going to punch Sean in the face for that completely incorrect observation.

*In May a possum died under our deck. Rick put on his animal removal gear, went under the deck and retrieved the rotting carcass for proper disposal…or he squealed like a little girl and paid someone else to do it for him. Can’t remember which one.

*Our dog Ivy was skunked in our backyard. Here’s a tip in case this happens to you: Don’t let your dog in the house even if the skunk is still lurking in the backyard. There aren't enough scented candles in the world to get that stink out of the house in a timely fashion.

*On the way to our summer vacation in Virginia we suffered a blown out tire on a mountain road in Pennsylvania. Bridget thought the loud thumping noise was a helicopter hovering over our car.

* It’s Sean’s turn to have his own bedroom this year. The sign on his door says: “GO AWAY JOHNNY. NO JOHNNY AT ALL. GET OUT JOHNNY. DAD, MOM, TOMMY & FRIENDS ONLY ARE ALLOWED IN. NO JOHNNY.” We think he doesn’t want Johnny to come in the room.

*Tommy is learning how to drive. He needs 50 hours of driving time with a parent. Rick drove with him the day he got his permit. After that experience Tommy only needed 49 hours and 59 minutes of driving time. Bridget will be handling this from now on.

*We set a record for flies in our home during a particularly bad stretch in August. A rampaging Bridget, her eyes flickering with evil glee, stalked and slaughtered them one by one. The word has gone out to the fly population. They don’t bother us anymore.

*In September Rick managed to lose his cellphone inside the lining of the couch. Talk about bad luck. It must have been the only day of the year he wasn’t exercising vigorously outdoors.

* Rick took Tommy to see The Who in concert as a 17th birthday present. It’s safe to say the crowd wasn’t exactly Tommy's age. Overheard in the restroom: “Last time I saw these guys I was dropping acid. Now I’m dropping antacid.”

*In October our dog Ivy was skunked again. Tip for avoiding this: Don’t get a dog.

*We won a few awards in our house this year. Only one of these is not true. Can you guess which one? Tommy was given an award for community service by the Archdiocese, Johnny was given a presidential academic award by his school, Sean was named an all-star in baseball, and Rick and Bridget were named Homemakers of the Year by Better Homes and Gardens Magazine. If you can't guess, just say these choices out loud to Rick's mom and see which one makes her snort derisively.

Happy New Year to everyone! We hope you have a great 2013!

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