Grappling with grief: what to do when children are affected by loss

Like serious illness, the grieving process is one of those necessary elements of human life that nevertheless feels completely wrong and out of place when visited upon a child. While certainly no picnic for anyone who has to endure it, grief in children seems to be that much more difficult to observe -- a cold and cruel rite of passage that robs young ones of their innocence and sense of security in this world.

Yet confronting and working through grief is also considered to be a vital step in the process of psychological and emotional recovery from a traumatic event. Therefore, to try and cut off or stifle a child's ability to openly go through that process is to potentially set the sadness of a particular event or circumstance in the stone of long-term depression and anxiety. This is a conundrum that LaSaundra Gordon sees regularly in her work as a therapist with New Leaf Resources in Lansing.

"A lot of adults get 'stuck' in grief by not allowing themselves to properly grieve," she explains. "By not dealing with their own grief, they make themselves more or less unavailable for a child who needs to get through the process as well."

Kids and grief

Gordon believes that one of the first steps in dealing with kids who may be grieving is to understand the importance of recognizing the differences between children and adults when it comes to not only recognizing and processing grief, but even the potential sources of that grief. For example, while it's common to assume that the concept of grief revolves almost exclusively around the passing of a loved one, kids often demonstrate distinct signs of grief at a variety of significant events in their young lives -- having to get rid of a family pet, going through a divorce or even moving from an established neighborhood. In all of these cases, the key is change and the perceived loss of comfort and security that goes along with it.

"In most of the cases that we see, these aren't children who are coming to us to deal explicitly with grief, per se," Gordon says. "But they're sad and afraid for one reason or another, and they can't necessarily connect the dots between their behavior and their feelings like adults might, so our approach has to change. It's our job to simply try and open up the lines of communication and walk them through the process to get them talking about their loss."

Communication is key

Indeed, one of the biggest obstacles in trying to help a child work through grief is getting him or her to open up and talk about the issues at hand. In some cases, the child is coming from a home situation where others are grieving as well, which means that opportunities to talk about one's feelings of loss may be less welcome. In other words, the child is often counting on a parent to bring up these topics, but perhaps it's not happening. This is where a counselor or therapist can be helpful in creating a separate place where communication is encouraged.

"A lot of kids think that by bringing up these thoughts and feelings at home, they're just getting on everybody's nerves, and we want to make sure they know it's different here," Gordon says. "And that's not a knock on the parents at all, who are often busy dealing with their own feelings -- we're not about blaming anyone here. It's just a matter of being aware of what the child needs and adapting accordingly."

How Gordon opens up those lines of communication with a child depends on the individual personality and situation at hand. Some kids respond well to a direct dialogue, while others, particularly younger children, may require a little additional coaxing in order to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings.

"The key is always building the initial relationship," she notes. "If we don't build that trust and help them to relax early on, we'll never get past those barriers and into their deeper feelings."

Patching the security blanket

No matter the cause of a child's grief, the ultimate goal is to help children understand their feelings, and to put their minds at ease that no matter how unsettled things may seem, it will all work out in the end. Gordon offers a few tips for friends and family members:

• In the case of a death of a loved one, removing pictures or mementos of the departed from around the home can be scary for children; keeping these things at hand and encouraging kids to draw pictures of or write stories about the loved one can be a good way to reinforce the idea that he or she lives on in the child's heart.

• In any grief-inducing situation, it's very important to assuage any worry associated with carrying on -- always reassure children that they will be safe and taken care of no matter the circumstance.

• Relieve any undue stress or burden on the child by continually reinforcing the notion that nothing is his or her fault.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Gordon reiterates that the best way for any parent to help a child process his or her grief is to first make sure that they are dealing with it properly themselves.

"Parents who feel 'stuck' in grief should be open to seeking out the help they may need to process their own feelings," she says, "so that they'll be better equipped to help their children do likewise."