The RailCats are hovering around .500 in the American Association standings and struggling at the ticket window, so it's time for drastic measures.
With all due respect to team owners Pat and Lindy Salvi, here are some can't miss game promotions to eliminate the echoes in U.S. Steel Yard:
Lindsay Lohan Night: Show a recent traffic citation for free admission and a hot cup of black coffee. Two speeding tickets get you an autographed photo of TMZ's Harvey Levin, suitable for framing.
George Costanza Night: All adult males, bald and over 40, who still live with their parents are admitted free.
A Night To Forget: Fans are treated to chewed-up souvenir team pencils with worn erasers, ripped seat cushions, cold dogs and stale buns, warm beer, the Archie's greatest bubble gum hits pumped in over loud speakers, and an autographed photo of Joey Bishop. You quickly forget how bad the baseball on the field is.
Turn The Tables Night: Players ask for fans' autographs, attendants pay you to park and 'Cats' manager Greg Tagert lets you fill out the lineup card.
Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Night: Anyone lacking personality is admitted free and must be left alone.
Cubs, White Sox Night: The first 1,000 fans get a bottle of Maalox. Enough said.
Lance Armstrong Anti-Doping Night: Everyone receives free urine sample cups and a sachel full of Nike "Live Strong" bracelets and wristbands.
Silent Night: No talking is allowed until the final at-bat, duct tape is available to cover your mouth and signs that read "HEY, BEER MAN!" and "QUIET, PLEASE" are passed out by librarians serving as ushers.
Mustache Night: The prize for best men's and women's 'stache (two divisions) is free press box food and a tour of Tagert's office.
Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Night: Mike Tyson throws out the first pitch -- he needs the work -- and the last 350 fans get an autographed souvenir rubber ear.
Carlos Marmol Night: Fans who spend $5 or more on food get a leaky life jacket and two five-pound weights to hold in a 10-foot pool. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. Another blown save.
MMA Night: A lucky ticket holder gets a free escort back to their car parked on any side street.
Zombie Night: Fans receive plastic fangs, autographed copies of The Zombies' greatest hits -- She's Not There and Time Of The Season, a pound of gauze, a bottle of ketchup, and a Brad Pitt poster.
Derrick Rose Night: Under one lucky seat at U.S. Steel Yard is the private cell phone number of the Bulls' superstar -- but don't expect him to answer the call. Why change now?
Dunk A Goat Night: Admission includes three chances at the dunk tank, from which the Blackhawks' Michal Handzus and Dave Bolland may never escape.
Meet Da Coach Night: RailCats' personnel will judge who has the orangest face and best limp. Winner gets a month supply of Mike Ditka's "Kick Ass" red wine. Ditka may attend the game if the team pays the $25,000 an hour he demanded the last time he came to Gary.
Trip To The Islands Night: Winner gets a free weekend in Stony Island and Blue Island, plus a $10 gas card.
Lines already are forming outside U.S. Steel Yard.
Glad to help.
This column solely represents the writer's opinion. Reach him at email@example.com