Welcome to today's NFL "Game of the Weak."
There's edge-of-your-seat suspense, incredible pressure and high draft picks at stake.
You want an even matchup? This is David versus David with slingshots at 30 paces.
In one corner, chomping on their mouthpieces, are the 4-10 Bears -- losers of seven games by 10 points or less.
In the visitors' corner are the 0-14 Cleveland Browns, losers of 15 straight and 32 of their last 33 games.
This one has veteran coaches with a foot out the door and not by choice.
The Browns' Hue Jackson is 1-29 in his second season. John Fox is 13-33 in his third year here.
Rookie quarterbacks Mitch Trubisky and DeShone Kizer hope to silence their critics and prove they're not a bust.
Trubisky has seven touchdowns and seven interceptions in 10 starts to go with a 77.8 QB rating.
Kizer has nine touchdowns and 19 picks, including six in the red zone, and 25 turnovers in 13 games for a league-worst 59.4 rating.
Trubisky is the Bears' future while the Browns have used 20 different starting quarterbacks since 2007.
That's pressure. Nothing like a quick hook to build a young athlete's confidence.
How about a thick slice of suspense to go with your cold pizza?
Forget the Browns are 4-42 since 2015 and haven't made the playoffs since 2002, or that the Bears' last winning record was 2012 and they've now missed the postseason seven straight years.
Today could determine which franchise has a brighter future, much like the once-victorious 49ers proved with their shocking upset win in Chicago.
Both teams are desperate for a win, but the Bears will have hit rock bottom with a loss.
Throw out the matchups. They don't tell you much.
The Browns' defense is allowing a league-best 3.3 yards per carry, but has given up an average of 290 passing yards the last three games.
The Bears are 30th in total offense, the Browns 16th.
They each have six interceptions, tying for 29th.
Makes you want to spend three hours in a freezing, half-empty Soldier Field, watching these lightweights battle, doesn't it?
If you need some incentive, tickets are still available.
"You can get into the front door for 125 bucks, maybe 100," Valparaiso's John Wilson, a long-time ticket broker, said Friday. "Winning is everything in this business.
"The first two or three games, there is so much rah-rah. But as soon as you lose three or four in a row, no one wants to go."
For what it's worth, the Browns' last win came against the Chargers, 20-17, one year ago on Christmas Eve.
Today's game is televised on CBS — Can't Bare Seeing.
Sorry. That was too easy.